So, there I am at the school book-fair again this afternoon, dropping a mortgage payment on books, posters and animal shaped erasers, get home about 5:30, to be greeted by my friend Helene who had dropped by. It would have been nice to have been able to sit and chat with her, but my kids had other ideas. Sid and Grady are upstairs, I hear doors opening and then slammed closed and I give them the "Don't make me come up there " speech, which was a complete waste of time because they know damn well once I've sat down, I ain't moving.
The next thing I know there is a shriek from Sid. This is followed by a disgusted cry "Grady showed me his penis" which is quickly followed by an equally disgusted complaint from Grady "I did not, she shouldn't have opened the bathroom door" I admit, my children do need to learn boundaries. I told Sid not to scream, and that if Grady showed her his penis again, she should just laugh and that would shut him right up. I didn't think she was actually going to act upon it, but the next thing I know Sid flings open the bathroom door again, lets out a whoop of laughter and yells down to me "I can see it again and it's all wiggly", whilst Grady is hollering at her to get out of the bathroom and let him pee in peace. It's not like I ever get to, so really why should he ? Grady is a fine one to cry foul where privacy is concerned. One day when I was in the bathroom, a rare moment when I had remembered to lock the door, Grady had tried to come in and upon finding the door barred, asked what I was doing, I told him to mind his own business. At which point I hear him shuffling along the gap between the floor and the door. The little weirdo was actually sniffing the air to try and determine what I was up too. Anyway, back to the present. It is at this point that Helene comments on how much she has missed, as she put it "Kelly & The Crazies", and I don't know now whether to laugh or cry.
While Helene and I try to carry on a normal conversation, the kids are eating their dinner in the kitchen. At least now they were quiet, but that was short lived. I hear the start of rumblings in the kitchen and then suddenly Grady screams and runs up the stairs in tears. I take my normal approach, storm into the kitchen and yell "What in the hell is going on in here ?". Lindsay proceeds to give me the rundown "Grady called Sid a pig, because she finished her dinner so fast, so I took Grady's dinner away and then he stabbed me with a fork, and then I threw him on the chair" WTF ? Am I raising a bunch of little psychopaths here ? Throughout all this I can hear Helene's mocking laughter in the background, so it was probably just as well she decided to leave at that point. Although, to be fair she did offer an alibi if I needed one.
I didn't actually need an alibi, because I wasn't waiting around. I picked up my keys and left. It was just safer that way. I called Rob, who was on his way home and gave him the rundown. Being the brave soul he is, he exclaimed "I'm not going home to that hell alone, if you're not there". So we agreed to meet at the stables instead. We actually arrived at the same time, and I asked if he had heard from the kids. Yes he had, in fact Lindsay had phoned him to tell him that I had left in a snit. A snit !! Is she kidding me ? That was not a snit, that was one step away from a homicidal rage. Meanwhile in my absence Grady had decided to pack his bags and leave home. The trouble with my kids, is that no matter how many times they dangle that carrot in front of us, they always end up changing their minds and staying.
But wait, the fun is not over yet, we find out that Lacey has a cold. I had no idea that horses could even get colds, but judging from the copious amounts of green snot (and believe me this stuff was so gross, it didn't even look real), spraying out her nostrils, yes they can. Of course neither one of us is dressed for the barn, so we are both gingerly tiptoeing around, trying to check on her without getting gobbed with green slime. I hadn't been up to the stables for a while, so she was really trying to cozy up to me. I don't know if it was because she had actually missed me, or it was just payback. Fun times, trying to dodge a snot sneezing horse.
For anyone who may be concerned, Grady didn't leave home, in fact he hadn't even bothered to pack a bag Some threat that turned out to be, and everyone was on their best (read contrite) behaviour by the time I got back. But I tell you, I just can't win, it's definitely that Thursday curse, snotty kids and a snotty horse.
Have a great weekend, and for all my readers in North America, Happy Mothers Day ! Can't wait to see what torture my kids have planned for me. I'll be back Monday - probably! .
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