What My Husband Wishes He Could Change About Me

I know, I was just as surprised as everyone else to discover that after almost 26 years of wedded bliss, there are actually things he would like to change about me.  Who knew ?

The first thing he'd like to change about me is that I snore.  There. I have freely admitted it, I snore.  Actually, this is one thing I would like to change as well. Trust me it's no picnic waking up in the middle of night frantically gasping for breath, only to find my  husband looming menacingly over me, a maniacal grin on his face as he is pinching my nostrils closed.  The Rat Bastard has even admitted that he likes to see how long I can go without breathing ! So come the morning that my cold lifeless body is found in bed, you won't need CSI Ajax to know who did it.

That I am a night owl. In a perfect world - which trust me is about as far from my world as you can get - my day would start at noon and go through to 3:00 AM.  Alas that is not to be, but I still try and get as much out of the quiet late night hours as I can. The only trouble is, I can't see worth a dam in the dark and I have a lousy sense of direction, so as as stealthily as I try to  fumble my way to bed in the pitch black, I cannot help but bump into the furniture. The problem is, I don't do it silently, and as much as I try to bite my tongue, when I receive a glancing blow from the corner of the dresser or stub my toe on the bedpost, I will let out a howl of pain, usually followed by a string of curses. But that is nothing compared to the noise level when I step on an unsuspecting cat.  Rob never stirs at the time, so I think I may have gotten away with it, but without fail I receive a scathing lecture in the morning.

Finally, at least for now, he'd like to change the fact that I am colour blind. Apparently something very rare in women, but runs rampant in my family.  In most cases it's not a problem, traffic lights for example are clearly red and green. However when it comes to sorting laundry, the fun begins, as Rob, late for work, hunts frantically through his drawer, looking for the other grey & navy socks that I have inadvertently paired together. Sometimes when he has pissed me off, I even do it deliberately ! 

I'm sure if he sets his mind to it, he'll think of other things he'd like to change, but I'll keep those for another day.