Being a parent is a bit like being a Freemason, we are a secretive bunch. As such, we discuss many topics that non-parent people are not privy too - until it is too late, and they suffer through their own strange initiation of childbirth, becoming parents themselves. At that point they are welcomed with open arms.
Most parents partake in your typical one-upmanship, if not the public and somewhat exaggerated display of, "My little Johnny was walking by 6 months and playing Beethoven by 2 years", then at least the covert kind, the condescending thoughts of "Look at that kid, he must be 2 years old and still in diapers. What are his parents thinking ?". This allows you to take a smug satisfaction in your own parenting skills, and find comfort in the fact that there is someone out there worse than you. Believe me when another parent (other than your best friends - and possibly even then) smiles indulgently and comments "How cute !" they are really thinking "Loser ! ".
What many people don't realise, is there is another kind of strange one-upmanship that goes on behind closed doors, the kind where parents share their not so politically correct child rearing suggestions, the worse, the better, so to speak. In fact these are the type of discussions that are not really meant to leave the room.
So, with names withheld for obvious reasons, here are some of the parenting tips that I have received from my friends over the years. I should add these parents have all raised wonderful children, who have taken their place within polite society - not a delinquent among them. I stress, these are not my recommendations, however I will admit, some I have tried, others I haven't.
Ignore the small print on the medicine bottle, it is perfectly acceptable - in fact highly encouraged - to mix "Tempra" with other medications - cough, cold, gravol etc - maybe not all at once, just one or two. It knocks them clean out for a few hours.
Just last weekend, an old friend (now a doting grandmother) told me that every child deserves one good beating, so they have a benchmark, a standard from which to judge future threats and punishments. I really think she was joking, but then again her four children were remarkably well behaved. However, there does seem to be a recurring theme. Another (nameless) friend, confided that although she had studied all the traditional books on child rearing, the only thing they were good for was to use them to smack her offspring upside the head. Again, I'm only repeating what I heard !
Harking back to my childhood - and contrary to what my son believes, I was not a cave dweller - my elderly grandmother lived with us. She was pint sized, but with a fiery temper. She kept a hazel stick by the back door and thwacked me with it as often as she could. Her reasoning was simple, if I had committed some transgression then I deserved it, and if I hadn't, well it was supposed to act as a deterrent. Whenever she broke one of these sticks, my dear father went straight out and cut her another one. The funny thing is, she had 6 grandchildren altogether, and she always maintained I was her favourite ! Go figure.
One tip I can identify with, and that is to bribe your children from an early age. It doesn't matter with what, chocolate, toys, TV, money. Whatever motivates them. After all, as they say, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Sometimes to stay sane, you just have to resort to these more devious measures to get your own way. Believe me, every parent does it, some just won't admit it.
If all else fails do the decent thing and lie. In fact do that anyway. If it makes you feel any better, think of it as creative lateral thinking. I'm a firm believer in "Do as I say, not as I do". Your children don't need to know if you smoked, (Never), partook in underage drinking (Of course not)", how old you were when you first started dating (25), or when you lost your virginity (On your wedding night). You see, if you practice these answers in front of a mirror, you are all set. The only thing I was never able to lie about convincingly to my children was brussel sprouts, I hate them, always have and always will, I can't bring myself to lie about something as heinous that, but any other topic is fair game.
No comments:
Post a Comment