Ah, 70 degrees, in March in Canada. Definitely a sign of global warming. On the plus side I get to roll down the windows of my van, and feel the breeze through my carefully coloured hair. Ironically, the air conditioning is about the only thing that still works in my van, but I don't like using it and prefer instead to have the windows open. However that presents me with a new dilemma. During the winter with the windows closed and the radio turned up, other motorists can't hear the screeching and hollering that goes on inside the vehicle - my children don't just fight at home, we have take out service too. Usually the fights start in the driveway before they are buckled up and chained down. Unfortunately once we are on the move, they know I'm powerless to stop the altercation, and my threat of "Someone is going to get hurt, and I'm going to do the hurting" usually falls on deaf ears.
Take this evening for instance, I have to drive Lindsay to work, Rob isn't home yet, so the younger two have to come along for the ride. We are still in the driveway, in fact I haven't even put the key in the ignition, when in the rear view mirror I notice Sid disappearing over the middle row of seats and start wailing on her brother who is sitting in the back. I try to keep them separated for a reason. The next thing I know Grady hops out of the van, indignantly refusing to go anywhere with his sister, who by now is back in her seat looking very smug. Grady's move incenses Lindsay, who grabs hold of his shirt through the window, pulls him closer and yells "Grady, get in the freaking van, I have to get to work". (I'm not convinced the word she used was actually "freaking", but it was all a bit chaotic, so I'll give her the benefit of the doubt). Meanwhile, I haven't had the opportunity to say even one word yet.
To my surprise Grady gets in the van without further argument, but he must have done something to Sidney on the way to his seat, because all I hear next is a long intake of breath followed by a seemingly endless ear-piercing scream that resonates through the van and echoes around the neighbourhood. My exclamation to Grady of "What the hell did you do to your sister?" is followed quickly by "Shut up Sid , the windows are open!". We are still sitting in the driveway. A quick pause for breath, and the scream continues, so I have to make a decision. Do we stay put until Sid calms down, which could take a while depending on the severity of the injury inflicted by her brother, or alternatively drive off and subject the rest of the neighbourhood to her wailing.
Trying to determine who starts these fight is an exercise in futility, much like the "What came first, the chicken or the egg ?" debate. I asked Sidney why she was crying - because Grady punched her. I ask Grady why he punched his sister - because she kicked him. I asked Sid why she kicked him - because he "pantsed" her, and so on and so on. I never did determine who started it, but in the long run it doesn't really matter. I am convinced I am raising two little psychopaths, so I can only hope that one day I can find a good therapist, or at least a one that doesn't charge too much.
After reading this to my husband for pre-post approval, he points out to me that the air conditioning in my van doesn't in fact work, and according to him, hasn't worked for years - who knew ? On the plus side he did tell me that when "The lights are on, my dingy-dingy goes off". I don't have a fucking clue what he's talking about, so I just have to take his word for it that it's a good thing. If anyone knows what a "dingy-dingy" is, pray do tell.
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