Monday, 21 July 2014

My apologies, the blog will be for a week or so, returning on August 1st.

Monday, 14 July 2014

Boredom Busters

My apologies for no posting on Friday - I was read the riot act good and proper on the weekend ! I had technical difficulties, but here goes. 

I have to mention that my children have been extraordinarily well behaved so far this summer. It must mean my threats are finally beginning to pay off.  There ius a downside - good children means less material for my blog. Can't have it both ways. 

So, last week was week three of the holidays and the kids are complaining they are bored. I thought I'd do something creative, so I showed them how to stuff the cat in the mailbox. That is always good for a laugh, and the cat already hates me, so what's the downside ? Of course, that may explain the reason why our neighbours ended up with our mail today.

By the time the kids have finished attempting to do that, they can spend the rest of the afternoon practicing their First Aid.  I highly doubt I will hear complaints of boredom after that exercise.

I told my husband what we had done, and he actually thought I had left the cat in the mailbox. I should mention for all my animal lover readers, that no animals were harmed in the making of this blog. 

Wednesday, 9 July 2014

... And A Funeral

The second installment of the Wedding !  The funeral in the title was very nearly Grady's.

After the service, fortunately with no more incidents, we left for the luncheon. This wedding was 2 years in the planning and was amazing. Not one single detail was overlooked.  At this point the children were remarkably well behaved. A few well aimed kicks under the table made sure of that. Grady & Sid discovered there was an open bar - for them it was pop and juice - so it couldn't get better than that in their eyes.  They were too busy schlepping glasses of Coke and Iced Tea, to think about arguing.  I figured I would deal with the sugar rush later.

We were back to the hall a couple of hours later for the main reception. Again, we had gone over what was and was not acceptable behavior, only by now as evening drew near and the sugar high crashing, Sidney and Grady were becoming more argumentative. We found our table and got settled. Grady couldn't decide on a seat and moved from one, to another to another, carrying the carefully arranged place setting with him each time. Luckily we were at the far end of the hall, next to the bar. Coincidence ? I think not! So no one was around to witness my first meltdown of the evening, as I admonished Grady and hissed at him to pick a seat and stick to it. We thought it best if Sid and Grady were separated, sadly I didn't think it through, because I turned out to be the poor schmuck separating them. Sid at least stationed herself nearest to the bar so she was happy.  When she discovered the shrimp appetizer station she was even happier, while Grady went off exploring the other stations. The highlight of his evening was when he was given a small wooden "spork" with one of the appetizers. Go figure. 

I swear my children were tag teaming it as their table manners deteriorated with each successive sugar filled drink. Unfortunately I couldn't watch both at the same time and as I am hissing at Sid to take chopsticks out of her nostrils, Grady is stabbing his other sister with a plastic sword he got in a drink. At one desperate moment when I implored Grady to behave and asked him why they were acting out, he replied in an evil voice "We are out to get you". He wasn't lying. Little bastards. Rob at the other side of the table remained oblivious to my torment. The kids were determined to hang in until more food was brought out at 11:00 - sliders, pizza and poutine. It was all I could do not to strangle Grady when after someone kindly went in search of pizza for him, he used the flashlight app on his I-Pod to check for veggie toppings. 

Revenge was mine though, when the bride came over to grab Grady for a slow dance. Remember, this was his teacher for the past two years, only now she is in a strapless gown, and watching her show Grady where he was supposed to place his hands while they danced was priceless. The embarrassment on his face as he tried looking everywhere but eyes front, as he shuffled agonizingly across the dance floor was a sight to behold. 

So this goes out to Hanna and Adriano. Thank you for including us in your special day, and wishing you both love and much happiness for many, many years to come.

Monday, 7 July 2014

One Wedding .............

We as a family don't get out much. Oh yes, we get plenty of invitations from people we have just met, but rarely - unless close family - do we get invited anywhere twice, which considering my children shouldn't be surprising. So you can imagine our delight when we are invited to a wedding. Grady's teacher was getting married, and she knows us - all of us very well - so it was with some shock when we received an invitation. Of course there was a caveat or two - Grady had to behave himself, and Sid had to wear a dress !

The big day arrives and we are all excited. Rob and I must have read the kids the riot act a hundred times; No I-Pods in church, no fighting, no talking during the service, no cell phones, etc etc.  The day almost came off the rails even before we walked out the door, when Sid in the requisite dress suddenly remembered she hadn't donned underwear.  Why me ?

First crisis adverted, we arrive at the church, and shuffle into a pew. Interestingly enough, although all the pews around us quickly filled up, ours didn't. Co-incidence ? I think not. I should mention here, that although my husband was raised Catholic, we are not church goers. As a consequence, my children have a lamentable gap in their religious education. So it shouldn't come as any surprise when Grady sorting through the hymn books in front of us, discovers a children's book about Noah's Ark. Noah is on the front cover, sporting a long white flowing beard. Grady immediately pounces upon it and loudly exclaims "Look! a book about Santa Claus".  Again, why me ?

No sooner had the service started than our little friend Eliot - one of the ring bearers - decided he no longer wanted to be part of the ceremony. Rob scooped him up before the inevitable scene, and brought him back to our pew. Thank goodness for the book on "Santa", Eliot was happy to sit on Robb's lap and pour over the colourful pages. "What are you going to do when you get to the end of the book?" I whispered to Rob. " I don't know" he replied anxiously.  I nudge Grady and asked him if he had his I-Pod. For once I was thankful he hadn't listened to earlier directions and guiltily pulled it out of his pocket. "Great" I hissed, "Now mute it and give it to me". Once Eliot saw the I-Pod he quickly scrambled over us and sat next to Grady so he could play. Sid immediately has her knickers in a knot and starts glaring at me. "What's the matter ?" I mouthed. "It's not fair. I want to sit next to Eliot" she said huffily. Are you kidding me ? I get one child settled and now another one decides to throw a snit. I throw Sid a glare of my own, and she pointedly ignores me. I remind her that her teacher is sitting in front of us, and fortunately that was all that was needed.    

I hadn't initially planned on writing about the wedding, I didn't want to appear disrespectful and offend a close friend, however as Rob pointed out, it was our children I was dissing, not the wedding itself. That, and the fact at least three of the kid's teachers including the bride herself - told me they looked forward to reading about the event in my blog. So, stay tuned for the second installment.

Friday, 4 July 2014

Summer Shenanigans

So this is how my summer is progressing. I receive an email from my friend Kristy who lives around the corner. "I saw your kids in costume as we drove down Mill Street today...the summer shenanigans have begun!".  

Yes, that would be my children. The costumes to which Kristy was referring; Grady in a rubber death mask, whipping down the road on his electric scooter, aiming a water pistol at Sid, who is sporting a big black mustache, gyrating at the end of the driveway. Kind of makes me want to shoot her myself.  Sadly, Kristy is moving soon, I will have to ensure I keep my children out of sight, if she has any hope of selling their house. 

We have a large back garden, so I'm not sure why my children are drawn to the front and the allure of the street. Last week Grady was out there wearing a huge cardboard box, with holes cut out for his arms, waving at passing cars - did I mention it was pouring with rain ? There is definitely something seriously amiss with my children. 

Wednesday, 2 July 2014

Long Live The Chipmunk

Our neighbours are well used to our antics by now. Those closest to us realise we are relatively harmless, but I know for a fact that there are some who speed up as they pass our house, hurrying their precious offspring along, lest something untoward happens. 

It is well documented in this blog that not all of our issues (and by that I mean fights) take place inside the house, and there has been many a day when snotty and screaming children (mine) have been booted out the front door, oft times with me in hot pursuit wailing like a banshee. Paints a tranquil picture doesn't it ?

Alas it is not always my children I have to chase and in the latest episode of "Did you see that crazy woman down the street today?",  I was after the cat. I came home after dropping the kids off at school, it is pissing down rain and the first thing I notice as I hurry up the path is our orange cat with a chipmunk in his mouth.

My first attempt to coax the cat close enough to grab the little bastard by the scruff didn't work and he scooted into the bushes with me in hot pursuit. As I dive in and out of the euonymus (where is the spell check when I really need it?) and the lilacs, the cat and his prey stay one leap ahead. At this point any neighbours driving by would only catch sight of my ass end sticking out of the shrubbery. I should also mention I am totally soaked. 

Finally, I saw an opportunity and with ninja like stealth (and anyone who knows me will be laughing at this, but I kid you not), I dove on the cat and it promptly dropped the chipmunk who proceeded to run around in circles and was immediately grabbed up again by the cat. By now I am cursing up a storm and sorely tempted to leave the chipmunk to it's inevitable fate, but I had visions of nursing it back to health and maybe even acquiring a chipmunk pet, (what the hell was I thinking ?), so I decided to give it one last ditch effort and flung myself on the cat. I'm not sure who was more surprised. The plan worked and the chipmunk was free to live another day, which was about all he did live, because the next morning a chipmunk tail was left, a bloody trophy on the front doorstep. 

Monday, 30 June 2014

Bird In The House

Only day three of the school holidays and already I'm not sure I can take it. Despite several trips to the barn to do chores and feed lambs, an expensive  trip to the book store, another to McDonald's and the ice cream store, I am still battling a chorus of the "I'm boreds".  I can't even take off and leave the little bastards stranded, because Lindsay has my van.

This morning was a little livelier, when I hear a crash in the chimney and a starling flies out into the family room, where I am working. I start screeching a warning "Bird in the house, BIRD IN THE HOUSE" , but no one comes running. Meanwhile the poor bird is hitting windows left, right and centre, while I rush around opening doors and yelling for the kids.  I found out afterwards, they are all ignoring me because they think they are in trouble.  How "Bird in the house" translates to "You're in trouble" is beyond me. Not to mention, if they are in trouble, ignoring me is guaranteed not to improve their situation.

Finally Grady ventures downstairs only to have the bird dive bomb his head as it flies upstairs.  He screams "Holy Crap!" and hits the deck, while I'm yelling at him to open the back door.  By the time I make it upstairs the girls have joined the fray and Sid, as useful as ever is calling out directions, but the bird can fly faster than she can speak, so by the time we get to the last known position, the bird has already moved on. I finally corner it in the window in the sun-room and with ninja like stealth I balance unsteadily between the settee and DVD stand and pounce.  Grady is in the background, yelling "Don't hurt the bird, don't hurt the bird". Sidney is screaming and the bog is barking. Lindsay has only just got up, so she isn't doing much of anything.  The only difference between me and the trapped bird is that he will soon be free! 

The last time this happened, I made the mistake of hesitating while the kids took a closer look at the bird and it took that opportunity to escape. I am wiser this time, and despite entreaties to the contrary, as soon as I got that bird in my hand, I headed straight for the back door and let it go.  All this on only one cup of coffee !