What I've Learned The Hard Way

What I've learned the hard way - from my children (& sometimes their teachers)

- "Piss Off" is not an acceptable term in Grade 1, nor apparently is it viewed any more favourably in Grade 2.

-  When you make the mistake of telling your son, that you failed "O" level French in High School (& by fail you mean a mark so low it was ungraded), he WILL tell his French teacher.

- When your son's teacher asks you if you were really going to leave him at the train station with $20 and a suitcase, you realize you have to let up on your threats.

- And on the subject of threats; "If you don't stop that behaviour, I'll do something. I don't know what, but I'll do something." does not qualify as a threat, as my husband found out. Instead it will be thrown back at you with derisive laughter, at every future opportunity.


- After helping your children with their spelling , math, language sheets, science project, book report and the dreaded French, do not mutter - no matter how quietly under your breath - a derogatory comment about the amount of homework or the teacher that sets it, because it will, without fail, get back to that teacher.

 - Be very leery of agreeing to look after their friend's pets for the summer, lest you end up with 1 dead guinea pig and 13 hamsters (each in their own cage) for 2 months. Well, technically we didn't keep the dead guinea pig that long ...

- Before you agree to your son bringing home the class pet, make sure you know which class he is talking about. Don't assume it is his class!  That is why we now have 3 frogs.


- And on the subject of pets, when your daughter asks for 2 rabbits, make sure you get it in writing that they are both of the same sex.  Do not  assume your husband knows what he's talking about when he pronounces them both females. You may think he would recognize a penis, but don't count on it. That is why we now have 6 rabbits.


- Forget about the "Terrible Twos", save your strength for the "F*** You Fours", you'll need it.

- When your son asks if can gather some sticks, by all means say yes. However, if he then asks to borrow a sharp knife, now is a good time to investigate.  Bow and arrows anyone ?

- Don't assume if your children are quiet, all is well. The chances are, if they haven't already done something they shouldn't - they are just about to.  If in answer to your question "What are you doing ?" they reply "Nothing", it';s too late, you're already in trouble.

-  No matter what your son may tell you, watching 2 1/2 men (the Charlie Sheen episodes) does not mean that he  has learned all he needs to know about sex.


In closing I would like to add, these cautionary tales contain no poetic license, embellishment or exaggeration in any way, shape or form. These lessons have all been learned the hard way - by me.